No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
~ 1 Cor 10:13

I nearly killed myself driving home..oh well..I really have no sense of direction....

Oh well...Keith says I am going back into my grumpy phase of the week...aiz...I really need to get out of this...but I don't know how..I really don't.

Can you be around people most of the time and yet feel lonely? Can you live with people and still feel lonely? And you know God's love but still yearn for human understanding?

I guess you can, cos that is precisely how I feel right now.

Sent an enquiry to NUS. I don't think I will go back. In a sense, I know my place isn't in Singapore anymore. I know that by going back, in a sense it's going back to conformity. Going back to be under the control of my parents. Back to the mundane world where grades are the only thing that matter. Will I backslide..highly possible.

So why Ivy? WHY?

Frankly, I don't know.

If I were to ask anyone back home..they would probably tell me to go find a boyfriend. But no. I know the solution isn't to find a person is to fill that emptiness. I need God to fill me. I know that....but somehow I just don't feel that way. I just want someone...someone who can just walk with me through this long and ardous path they call medical school. Someone who loves God as well...but who knows how tough it is to be a medical student at the same time.

Sometimes I feel so lost. In school, people keep asking me why I spend so much time in church when I could spent that time studying. In church, people find out I'm a med student and they go, "Wah." Sometimes I feel I just don't fit anywhere. It's just so so so so hard. You don't spend enough time studying, you can't afford the time others can spend doing 'church stuff', as my school friends would call it.

I remember the time last year when I was having a talk with Mavis and she was appalled by the fact that in the future, I need to work on Sundays, especially during my years as a junior doctor. I remember her asking me why I had to..and that wasn't it a choice a could make. Well, no...I can't. The choice isn't mine to make. I know these few years I have as a student, especially my pre-clinical years are very precious to me. As life will be so so different once I graduate. But now, I really wonder how I am going to make it true. Yeah sure, I will probably graduate and all, once I set my mind to putting the effort in. I know I can get the grades with minimal effort. It's not about passing med school...it's about everything else that goes with it. It's about my spiritual side, my emotional side through this 5/6 years.

Sure, I can pretend that things are ok. It's not that hard. But things aren't. They just aren't. And they can't be solved that easily.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That God puts us through difficult situations for a reason. I sure wish I could see the reason why I am doing this now.

I so want to be a doctor. I know I am not in this for money. I know a medical degree is the ticket for entry to many many nations out there, cos everyone needs a doctor. And they also need God so much more. I know I was called to study this course for a purpose, a purpose not for my own. I know what I want to do after I graduate..vaguely at least. But God, why is it so so hard?

Sometimes I wonder if I am just being plain selfish. Cos I just want someone who can just understand me. I really miss my JC days. When I was around people who would study with me, who I could call when I was so stressed up with work, who would explain stuff to me when I did not understand. Friends who would encourage me and friends I would encourage as well. Friends who ran the race with me. It's such an irony that most of those friends aren't Christian too. And yet, here, when I am around people who are Christian most of the time, people who can support me spiritually, I still feel I am lacking.

I feel so torn... Yes, I want my life to be God's. I want to run the race as hard as I can for Him. But yet...I feel like my life is such a mess. It's not that I do not enjoy what I am studying. It's just that the lonely path is a painful one as well. I know this can't go on..it just can't...but yet...I don't know what to do about it...pray I guess....it's the only way now....

Make My Life A Sacrifice
;2:52 AM

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